Conscious Parenting: What’s the Nervous System Got to Do With It?
The bond between a parent and child is one of the most important relationships. Did you know that there’s a biological pathway that plays a crucial role in shaping this connection? It’s called the vagus nerve.
What is the Vagus Nerve?
The vagus nerve is like a bridge between your brain and our body, regulating many essential functions, from heart rate and digestion to emotional responses, creativity, and feelings of safety in your environment. The health of your vagus nerve and the state of your nervous system influence, and are influenced by, your ability to connect with others, including your children.
Not only does a healthy vagus nerve help you form stronger social and parental bonds, and to feel a sense of safety that allows you to create a safe and stable environment for your children, it’s also a major player in something called interpersonal neurobiology—this is the study of how our nervous systems and “speak to” and interact with each other beyond the level of verbal communication.
Neurobiological research shows that, through a process called co-regulation, our nervous systems sync up with others’, especially those we share a bond with or who we depend on for care or survival. Children are especially prone to co-regulate with their caretakers.
That’s why as a parent the state of your nervous system has a profound impact on your child’s emotional and even physiological development throughout their lifespan.
So what does this all mean?
It’s actually pretty simple: as a parent, it’s critical to tend to yourself at a core level.
What Helps Regulate Your Nervous System?
Things like mindfulness, self-compassion, and the pursuit of joy and creativity are critical both for your own wellbeing and your child’s. Here’s why:
Practicing mindfulness in a way that’s right for you helps stabilize the nervous system, and can even positively impact levels of neurotransmitters and brainwaves. It also often better equips you to attune to your child's emotional cues and to respond with sensitivity and understanding.
Self-compassion, the ability to treat yourself with kindness and understanding in times of difficulty creates a sense of inner safety that allows your nervous system to relax. It also models self-compassion and emotional regulation for your children.
Prioritizing your own joy and creativity helps elevate the health of your vagus nerve, reduce stress, and elevate your overall well-being. A parent who is fulfilled is almost always more emotionally available, and also sets the stage for children to do the same for themselves as they get older.
So many parents tend to set aside their own needs to make sure their child’s needs are met. And while parenthood might always entail certain sacrifices, there are some that do more harm than good.
At a deep level, giving up your own sense of creativity, putting off doing things that bring you joy, being self-critical, or neglecting your core needs often makes you less available for your child.
Embodying who you are and tending to yourself with compassion not only models for children how to do the same for themselves, it also positively impacts their nervous system as it “communicates” with yours through co-regulation, creating an environment where they can thrive.
How We Are
Understanding the role of the nervous system in the parent-child relationship is really important. Because it’s not only what we say to or teach our children that matters; it’s what we do and, maybe most importantly, how we are.
The parent-child relationship is a dance of nervous systems, with each influencing the other's state. When parents are able to remain grounded and regulated even during difficult moments, children tend to feel safer, and more easily learn to regulate their own emotions as well. Nurturing your own well-being also lays the groundwork for children to develop resilience, empathy, and a sense of connection and belonging. This sets them up for a healthy adulthood too.